Intermittent Relationships Are Torture

In many addictive relationships, after a breakup, partners want to make a fresh start in the relationship. They are trying to start from scratch. The problem is, everything that has been experienced in the past is a burden.

Many couples have intermittent relationships. That is to say, they break up, then give themselves another chance, and this several times. From an outside look, we can tell that they have a problem that they will not be able to solve in this way.

Intermittent relationships occur when a couple is very close. That he has lived together for many years and that one or both of the couple suffers from emotional addiction.

All of these situations lead them to not want to give up on their relationship and to try to give themselves another chance. The problem is, it ends up being a real torture.

The torture of multiple bereavements

Throughout our lives, we have to deal with a lot of grief. Mourning for the loss of a loved one, for a breakdown of a couple, for the end of an employment contract… ..

Grief is a difficult process which, if not properly managed, can lead to depression. People who have experience in intermittent relationships are very used to it. But they never get to the final phase.

The different stages of mourning

The way people in an intermittent relationship act in each of them:

• Disclaimer : You deny that the relationship didn’t work out. You don’t want to see reality and even act like nothing has happened. When denial subsides on its own, grief enters its next phase.
• Anger : A phase in which partners blame each other for the relationship disaster, the problems, and why the relationship didn’t work out. It’s a time when you only remember the bad things and when you see the one who your ex-partner only with anger.
• Sadness : It is here that after losing control with anger, a very strong emotion, another emotion emerges. An immense sadness which paralyzes. It allows the couple to remember the good times and to feel nostalgic for the past.
• Negotiation : You try to restart the relationship; in intermittent relationships, partners often do. Sadness reminds them of how much it was worth going through what they went through. They are therefore giving themselves another chance. They refuse to give up this relationship.

The last phase is acceptance. Accept that the relationship cannot work. That every time a new opportunity presents itself, another failure is foreseeable.

However, partners in intermittent relationships do not want to accept that their relationship is coming to an end.

That is why, at the negotiation stage, they agree to give themselves another chance. Perhaps with the promise of: “I will change”.

Intermittent relationships and fears

The fact that in intermittent relationships one is not able to reach the final stage of mourning and thus end this relationship to start a new path is linked to fears.

People who have been with their partner for more than 6 or 8 years have been through so many experiences and are so attached to each other that they can’t help but fight for their relationship.

So even though break-ups (sometimes disguised as “it’s just that I need a little time”) are synonymous with something that doesn’t work, we keep trying at all costs.

It’s normal to have seizures in a relationship, but it’s not normal to break up and get back together, and that indefinitely. The partners go through a lot of bereavement that affects the members of the couple.

Meanwhile, we want to ignore the root causes and the real problem.

If the members are co-dependent, the same dilemma arises. Intermittent relationships show this impossibility of living without the other, of making a living without him.

We can’t let go of this person and we force ourselves on a fresh start in the relationship. As if we could start from scratch, when in reality it is not.

What didn’t work won’t work anymore

What’s wrong with breaking up and repeating the relationship over and over? The reason may give clues that we don’t know how to handle conflict and always hit the same wall over and over again.

If the problem is that our personalities and that of our partner clash in one way or another, that there are incompatible life perspectives or goals (for example, one wants to live abroad, the other wants to stay in his country of origin), there is no way to continue.

Promises of change and attempts to reconcile what is impossible will not bear fruit.

If, on the contrary, the problem is that the two people are working together or have children and the stress can be with them, then we have to see how to handle the situation properly.

Seeking professional help or participating in couples therapy can help.

Intermittent relationships are a real torture.

That is why we have to find out where the problem lies, whether we are giving ourselves opportunities that are unnecessary or if, on the contrary, we have to learn how to better manage certain aspects of our life.